Attempting self-actualization, yet failing miserably...

Last night was so strange. I got home, started thinking, and the next thing I know, I was totally silent. Justin asked me repeatedly if I was okay. I said that I was and kept going about my business--- cooking, cleaning, feeding Thomas, etc. etc. The longer I went on thinking, the heavier my thoughts became. I'm still not sure why I insist on torturing myself with my own mind. As soon as I give myself the chance to stop and think, my thoughts turn to what's wrong---with me, with my life, with the people around me---how I'm doing things to hinder them from doing what they really want or hurt them in some way. It's so weird because I don't think like this all the time, but when I do, it becomes overwhelming. I finally talked to Justin after a few hours of prompting, but by this time he was frustrated because he had asked me so many times what was wrong and I had said, "nothing." I wasn't trying to push him away at all; I just get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I want to be crystal clear when I share them with him. If I just say the first thing that pops into my head, it never ends well, so I try to refine everything, reason out what is utterly ridiculous, and make sure I understand what I mean before I expect him to. I think I'm at a point of really understanding how my life is now and how it has all redefined who I am. I'm not the same as I was when I was 22. Most of the time people are thankful for that, and I am thankful for a lot of reasons as well, but I also lost a few of my good attributes when I lost so much of my youthful ignorance. Well, I'm not so sure that I've lost something, as much as I've traded it in. Does that even make sense? I've traded in some of my attitude for being calmer with respect to alot of things. I've traded in my "conquer the world" mindset for a desire to make a happy home for my family. I'm alot happier now to just be home and enjoy my family; I don't feel the need to be out with people, constantly going and doing. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed people who care about me. If they think that I've settled for less than I'm capable. I wish I could explain to people that I still have goals and dreams. I still think about going back to school and bettering myself in different ways like that. It's just that now it's not my priority. My priority is to focus on my kids and my home and being happy with what I have. Does that make me a slacker? I don't think so, but I feel like some people do. When I really sit and try to analyze it all, I think that I still have so many regrets with how I started off Dylan's life and how my focus was on me and my career and not necessarily being home with my child. I divorced Allen and didn't fight him on Dylan's custody issues because I thought he didn't need to be with me. I look at all that, and it makes me feel extremely selfish. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to make sure that I put the kids first, and even though I know that I can't go back and FIX things that I screwed up with Dylan, I can try to be better from now on, and I can make sure that I'm NEVER like that with Thomas. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find a balance between satisfaction and complacency, and that's not an easy thing to do. It's all things I have to work on within myself. I struggle with it regularly, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm always wanting to be better or I'll never be good enough. That's a tough one.