Opening windows when a door is closed...

Yesterday the company that I went to work for less than a month ago laid me off. "It's not your performance, April. You're talented and intelligent, and we've loved having you here. The company isn't doing well, and we hired too many people too soon." My consolation prize was an incomplete paycheck and a weak letter recommending me for hire elsewhere. How nice of them. I understand that business is business, but that didn't make my situation any less dire. I was really upset, especially considering that it took me 2 months to get THAT job. How was I to know how long it would be this time? The economy sucks. Most people aren't hiring, and when they do they are inundated with resumes from the hoards of qualified people like me who are desperate for work. Average starting pay has dropped significantly because business owners know that people will take what they can get at this point. Well, to answer my previous question, it took less that 24 hours!

I got home yesterday afternoon and was absolutely devastated. I was disappointed in myself and embarrassed to be unemployed once again. I thought about sitting on the couch, drinking, and pouting, and then I thought that I might as well start looking immediately. We can't afford for me not to work. We were having a hard time when I WAS working; how long could we make it this time? So I went online and started sending out multiple resumes for anything that I might even REMOTELY be qualified for. I got a call yesterday for an interview, which I went on this morning. The interview went really well, until we got to the point where I had to explain my "situation." Then the enthusiasm dropped right off her face, and she said she didn't know how it would work out. I walked out of that interview knowing that I didn't stand a chance. I got home and checked my email, and a man had responded to my resume submission and asked me to call him at my earliest convenience. It was for a Spanish newspaper here in Dallas. They wanted a person who would wear multiple hats; some writing/editing/design, some customer service with the clients, and some administrative work for the publisher. I went in for an interview this afternoon. I spoke with the publisher and the GM, who is from El Salvador and did my entire interview in Spanish. Then I got hired to start Monday.

I'm so excited. I can't believe that this opportunity presented itself so soon. It pays better (somewhat), and it's actually a job that will use the skills I have. I get to write and edit and speak Spanish ALL THE TIME. I hope this turns out to be a long-lasting, positive thing.

Last night when Justin got home he handed me some paper. He said he had some time, so he wrote me something. I can't remember the last time he did that. I read it, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. It said that he believed in me, and not to give up. He said that he knows how hard I work and all the things I do. There was also a poem that he wrote that made me cry. I needed that so much; I don't think he realizes how much that helped me. I've had so many bad things happen lately, and I felt like I had let him down; like I had let the kids down. I felt like a failure. To read that just made me feel like I could do anything. So I did.

And I start Monday.

It's been a long, hard road...

For as long as I can remember, I’ve experienced an inner turmoil with regard to our country. As a military child, I was taught to be proud of our nation. Patriotism wasn’t just an idea; it was a way of life. I remember going to Air Force functions with my family and hearing the National Anthem with chills going down my spine. I remember seeing my father walk off a plane and into an airport lobby in uniform after returning home from a long tour of duty, and running into his arms, not just relieved that he was safe, but proud of what he had helped to accomplish. I went to school on military bases, where we learned every patriotic song in the American cannon and where Veteran’s Day wasn’t just a bank holiday but a celebration of the sacrifices made by the thousands of men and women that lived and worked in our immediate vicinity. I went to a military school for my freshman year of high school and felt what it was like to stand in formation and salute a flag. Patriotism was part of who I was.
As I got older, I began to understand that patriotism wasn’t just songs and parades. After I graduated high school I started looking at our nation through a different set of eyes. I saw that injustice and inequality and the use of military force on a grand scale that just didn’t seem justified to me. I realized that the fundamental ideals on which our nation was founded were no where to be found in the lives of many Americans. I had been insulated in an environment that much more closely resembled the values of our founding fathers, but when I moved out into the civilian world on my own, I observed that in so many cases, the opposite was the norm.
I started to question our country. I started to question our government. How could the most powerful entity in the world sit idly by while its own people, not to mention so many in the outer reaches of the globe, suffered day to day with poverty, racism, disease, war, and inequality? To perpetrate such overt acts of deception to justify needless wars was beyond my comprehension. I watched for 8 years as the country that I grew up loving became a shadow of its former self. We were no longer the “shining city on a hill;” we became the ill-tempered, alcoholic father of the children of the world, who would act without rationale or reason, and then make feeble attempts at apologies and restitution after the damage had been done.
I’ve waited a long time to feel about my country the way I did when I was a child. Today, those feelings came rushing back to the surface in a way for which I don’t think I was truly prepared. I felt something similar on Election Day of 2008, but I think in the back of my mind, it still hadn’t become real until I watched Barack Obama take the oath of office. I finally believed all of the times I heard people say, “you can do anything you put your mind to.” The barriers that had been penetrated on Election Day finally came crumbling down, and the nation breathed a collective sigh of relief as the Preamble to our Declaration of Independence was tangible and standing right in front of us.
It’s been a long time coming, with many battles fought and much bloodshed, but we are finally reaching our full potential as a nation. We will be able to look at the rest of the world and know that we are a living, breathing example of the ideals we have preached to others for so long. It is my sincere hope that we can start repairing our standing among the leaders of the world and work to establish a state of global unity about which we have only dreamed, up until now. That is my hope for our country, for my children and my grandchildren.
During the inauguration, they played the songs that I used to sing when I was a child. I had heard the same songs since then, but they didn’t resonate, if I’m being completely honest. I knew that my feelings about the potential of our nation had changed when I got the same chills while hearing those same songs. It was nice to feel that way again; to feel the hope and pride that has escaped me for so long. Now that the dream has been realized, we can look forward to the future and being the hard work that lies ahead. I’m confident, however, that our country is up to the task. We have overcome an obstacle that many thought would never happen in our lifetime. That just speaks to the promise of the American people and foreshadows the great strides that we will make in the not-so-distant future. It’s nice to feel this way again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Why do I do things that I know are counterproductive? What the hell is wrong with this picture? I knew that things would be fine, I just HAD to have proof, and now I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet! I'm disappointed in myself. For being such a "smart person," I sure do dumb things on occasion. I don't have to worry about someone else being the death of me; I manage to do that all by myself.

Attempting self-actualization, yet failing miserably...

Last night was so strange. I got home, started thinking, and the next thing I know, I was totally silent. Justin asked me repeatedly if I was okay. I said that I was and kept going about my business--- cooking, cleaning, feeding Thomas, etc. etc. The longer I went on thinking, the heavier my thoughts became. I'm still not sure why I insist on torturing myself with my own mind. As soon as I give myself the chance to stop and think, my thoughts turn to what's wrong---with me, with my life, with the people around me---how I'm doing things to hinder them from doing what they really want or hurt them in some way. It's so weird because I don't think like this all the time, but when I do, it becomes overwhelming. I finally talked to Justin after a few hours of prompting, but by this time he was frustrated because he had asked me so many times what was wrong and I had said, "nothing." I wasn't trying to push him away at all; I just get so wrapped up in my thoughts that I want to be crystal clear when I share them with him. If I just say the first thing that pops into my head, it never ends well, so I try to refine everything, reason out what is utterly ridiculous, and make sure I understand what I mean before I expect him to. I think I'm at a point of really understanding how my life is now and how it has all redefined who I am. I'm not the same as I was when I was 22. Most of the time people are thankful for that, and I am thankful for a lot of reasons as well, but I also lost a few of my good attributes when I lost so much of my youthful ignorance. Well, I'm not so sure that I've lost something, as much as I've traded it in. Does that even make sense? I've traded in some of my attitude for being calmer with respect to alot of things. I've traded in my "conquer the world" mindset for a desire to make a happy home for my family. I'm alot happier now to just be home and enjoy my family; I don't feel the need to be out with people, constantly going and doing. I wonder sometimes if I've disappointed people who care about me. If they think that I've settled for less than I'm capable. I wish I could explain to people that I still have goals and dreams. I still think about going back to school and bettering myself in different ways like that. It's just that now it's not my priority. My priority is to focus on my kids and my home and being happy with what I have. Does that make me a slacker? I don't think so, but I feel like some people do. When I really sit and try to analyze it all, I think that I still have so many regrets with how I started off Dylan's life and how my focus was on me and my career and not necessarily being home with my child. I divorced Allen and didn't fight him on Dylan's custody issues because I thought he didn't need to be with me. I look at all that, and it makes me feel extremely selfish. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to make sure that I put the kids first, and even though I know that I can't go back and FIX things that I screwed up with Dylan, I can try to be better from now on, and I can make sure that I'm NEVER like that with Thomas. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm trying to find a balance between satisfaction and complacency, and that's not an easy thing to do. It's all things I have to work on within myself. I struggle with it regularly, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm always wanting to be better or I'll never be good enough. That's a tough one.

This is short

I've had a few people ask about my blogging that I did on MySpace when things were heavy on my mind. I've decided to start it up again...back by popular demand?!?! Anyway, this is a new blog site for me, and I think you can get updates; play around an let me know. I put the link on my facebook page, although I'm doubtful that many will read it. If I get a bug, I'll write later.